submitted by Hamza Ansari
Aadar (Urdu, n): - Respect
I remember being young and my mother telling me how there was a reason for everything elders have told us in the past. I didn't question it back then because the idea of respecting your elders and agreeing to everything they say was hammered into my brain. I got into several verbal skirmishes with my parents as I got older due to my curiosity. Why do my parents get to have total control over me? If maturity doesn't come with age, why did society accept that 35-year-olds will take decisions better than 20-year-olds? A lot of these questions were often perceived as disrespectful towards adults and often comical, "what do you mean 'why should I respect elders?', you should respect them because they have more experience." But the acceptance that thoughts can differ and choices can vary was a hard pill to swallow for the elderly. Privacy wasn't a choice it was an act of disrespect towards the elderly, "what does my child have to hide? I have the right to know everything!" And this extreme shielding or extreme 'deal-with-trauma-on-your-own' was hurting their child because a father doesn't realize that his son's bullies are hurting him and might kill him one day, but his words to 'grow a pair' and to 'man-up' are killing him every day.
Respect isn’t a bad thing, we all should have it in us but the excess demanding of respect comes off as so the person does not deserve it. Why can’t we be neutral with adults? Why do we have to respect their opinions while they shun down ours? And doesn’t that radiate forced silence? Doesn’t it teach children from a very young age that their opinions do not matter? The political and religious views of the elderly are forced down on us; we aren’t allowed to form opinions, we aren’t allowed to question the system even though it’s barely making it through while hurting countless people. This very hunger for power is what fuels the generation gap, this need for acceptance from their children that they’re the best people they’ll ever meet when they look at us just as a mere investment for their old age is where the generation gap truly becomes monstrous.
I must step back, however; we form these opinions and facts so as to understand what truly goes on in this world not to prove our parents wrong. Like several things, society has molded the structure of a family, be it patriarchy or validation all stems from the same tree and our parents aren’t the first to do so. Their parents must’ve been doing the same and the generation before them and it keeps ongoing. The right way to approach a problem with the elderly isn’t to argue, it is to educate. Sure it might take some tries where they yell back at you and tell you to remember you’re still their child but one of these times your points will get across. Your parents imitate what they saw happening at their homes, where the mother worked all day to manage the house and the father managed the finances. Their parents forced them to go into a field which for sure will provide money, and your parents abided by that. They got married and followed the same suite with you, they most probably wanted you to take science and become a doctor or an engineer to have a ‘safe’ future. Make money, get settled, support them in their old age and pass away because this is the ideal life for them. They confused moral values with happiness, oppression with culture, and chivalry with patriarchy. They didn’t try to make amends to their life instead just tried to make ends meet so that life could keep going on according to their way.
Sometimes you have to accept that you cannot provide the emotional support that your parents so dearly want; this is also a direct consequence of the generation gap. Back in the day people didn’t think about what a person could or could not absorb. You have to accept probably your parents cannot be educated and be like your friend’s ‘open-minded’ parents. I say open-minded in quotes because I have to emphasize that nobody’s parents are ideal per se. There’s always this little societal nuisance left in them that can make them unbearable and I want you to know that’s fine. I want you to know you don’t have to be Shravankumar to be a good child. You don’t have to be at your parents’ constant beck and call because you are your own person and don’t let anyone change that.
The best way to somehow deal with these shenanigans is by distractions. Use stupid statements to write jokes, poetry, or even essays. Don’t lose hope must be your primary objective, although you shouldn’t underestimate its consequences. It is the root cause of biased religious and political views and your constant need for validation. Work on yourself more, try to compartmentalize boomer statements into one very dark corner of your mind you cannot access, and remember, your parents can hurt you, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Just a final suggestion, don’t fight with them; they’re usually just victims of either patriarchy or societal pressure so it’s recommended to try and educate them first.
About the writer:
Hamza is a 19y/o second-year engineering student residing in Mumbai, India. His preferred pronouns are he/him. Hamza is the embodiment of 'beauty with brains,' he is very beautiful and is an extremely talented, insightful, kind, empathetic, non - judgmental person. He is passionate about writing and journaling. He is a feminist, an activist, and an ally to the LGBTQ+ community. He is a wonderful person.
About his piece:
This piece is important to him because he grew up in a slightly conservative Indian household, he lived in a country where right from birth the parents sort of dictate the child's life eg: their career choices, college, marriage, and the child has no choice but to agree to whatever they demand, agree to whatever they say, never question or disagree with anything because that makes them (the child) disrespectful. The child then feels like they are suffocating in their own house and it hinders their growth as an individual. Hamza grew up in a similar environment and it left very little room for discussion and communication between him and his parents. It almost felt like his parents and Hamza were living in two different worlds because of the generation gap. He wrote this very beautifully to express his experience, the questions he wanted to ask, how he dealt with it, and just everything he felt about the generation gap. He wants to tell his readers that 'we are all in the same boat and to never lose hope. It will get better. Let us be patient and hang in there. Let us try to communicate, give them(elders) time instead of resenting them. Accept what we can't change and as Gen Z's being there for each other.' He is passionate about writing because words don't usually exit my mouth so I like writing down my thoughts and feelings about a particular topic on a piece of paper and express myself. Eventually, writing became a very important hobby for me.
Sources:
Cover Photo by Rod Long on Unsplash
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